I'm having a blogging inferiority complex....

My social insecurities strike again. Who knew that IRL issues or those that your mind comes up with would follow you into the blogosphere? Emotional baggage is heavy ;D

I'm coming up on having been here for almost a year now, and oddly enough although things have changed I feel that I am still relatively in the same position. On the outside looking in....(I know Koosabutt, "just jump right in the middle and make the biggest splash you can and who cares who you get soaking wet in the process, they'll love you for it later b/c they were looking miserably hot and bothered watching everyone else. OK I'll stop now before this gets any weirder). But some how that doesn't quite describe it, although I have made friends most of them have kind of taken their own path, not like behaving badly own path but just different directions that we were going before as in you go your way and I'll go mine. I try not to think too hard about this b/c I would regress into pity party table of one PDQ, but every so often I find myself unwittingly sucked into this by small thoughts of when my friends tell me oh yeah I'm engaged or oh yeah so and so and I are dating. Doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore b/c that would be lame, but it does mean our relationship has changed. Once again I get the back seat of the station wagon, you know what I'm talking about, the seat that is so ghetto that you are facing the rear and you get left watching everything that you've past and left behind instead of being able to see what's coming up the road. Just a sucker waiting to get smacked upside the head.

I feel most of my life has been this way. Granted I'm not even a quarter century, but there's been a lot that I've seen and done. Most of which I am grateful for, though on the outside people would ask what are you smoking? But that's what has enabled me to do some of the greater things I have and live through some very priceless experiences.

I'll get to the point I swear..."I'm working on a tangent, see most [women], they'll tell you a story straight through. It won't be complicated, but it won't be interesting either."

Where was I? Oh Yeah...

Over the past year there has been a lot that changed what I find remarkable is that looking at the situation it appears to be relatively the same. It kind of reminds me of this...

"Things are different, but the same."

Looking back over the past year I am amazed at the number of people I have met and those who have befriended me and left and those who have stayed...to varying degrees. While I have gotten close with some, I don't think that I have found anyone else who truly gets me, they pretend to, and love me for my quirky charm & bouts of humorous insanity, but they all still try to impose themselves on my life and choice, which I guess is true of most anyone. I guess however that is what I meant when I said that I haven't found anyone who really gets me b/c for the person who gets me or at least what I am about, they would know what to say rather than telling me what they would choose to do....

Maybe I should just forget about seeking the advice of others? Although accepting responsibility for all of your actions 24-7 can be a little rough, why not abdicate my capacity and responsibility to choose. It would be so incredibly easy, but inevitably I would "hate myself in the morning" or at least as soon as I realized what I had done. Oh wait.... ;) It's that point where I have "thought my self into a corner" as a good friend of mine once put it. I've analyzed from many different angles and now I am almost afraid to make the move. When it comes down to it there is only one person who has to live with the decisions I make and that is me, everyone else can walk away, as much as they love me or claim to; their vested interest will never match that of my own or a very select handful of others.

Painting the floor!?! Who does that??? Wow this has taken an interesting meandering thought train...but what it comes back to is that feeling that although I have made some very good and helpful friends, I still feel very alone at times. The tough part is that I know these people would still be there for me if they knew how much I really needed them which leads me to two conclusions on this: (1) Either I've done a horribly sucky job at conveying what they mean to me or (2) They're too busy with their own lives.

I need to quit whining and go out and make more friends.

Will you be my friend? jkExcellent!!! ;)